


Remember the Plans that We Made

by Cottonstones



Series: Promises and Plans [2]
Category: Panic At The Disco, Young Veins
Genre: Kid Fic, M/M, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-17
Updated: 2012-06-17
Packaged: 2017-11-07 22:45:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/436275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cottonstones/pseuds/Cottonstones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan has a husband, a son, and a nine-to-five job. Sometimes, it's just not enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remember the Plans that We Made

Ryan's awake at four in the morning – not by choice, but because the baby is up. He shouldn't be the one getting up – he has to be to work in three hours – but Jon isn't moving and, even if Ryan woke him up, Jon would just point out how he's been with their son all day, how it's not fair. Ryan is the one who gets up.

He stumbles through their dark house, down the hall, littered with toys that he and Jon forgot to pick up. Ryan can hear his son screaming before he even reaches the room. Once inside the nursery, Ryan clicks on the lamp.

"Jude, it's okay," Ryan says, his voice thick with sleep. Jude quiets down but doesn't stop crying. The dark-haired boy is sitting in his crib, chubby hands gripping the wooden bars. He stares at Ryan with huge, dark eyes, and Ryan scoops him up easily. Jude grips Ryan's sleep shirt as Ryan goes to make a bottle.

The walking and quiet talking that Ryan is doing is enough to quiet the baby down. Jude George Ross-Walker was born nearly five months ago. Ryan loves his son, he does, and he couldn't imagine living without the little boy being there, but being a parent is a lot harder than he had imagined. Ryan had no idea that it would put a strain on his and Jon's relationship, their marriage.

Ryan and Jon have been married for nearly three years now, been together even longer. Ryan can honestly say that Jon and Jude are the loves of his life, but that doesn't mean that it's not hard. Ryan works all the time, because Jon can't – Jon takes care of the baby the most, because Ryan's working all the time. When they're both home, there's never enough time; there's always cleaning, cooking, or a million other things to be done.

When he and Jon do talk, it's simple" "How'd your day go?" "What did Jude do today?" Well, that or arguing. Ryan hates when they argue, because he hates upsetting Jon. He misses their more carefree days, back when things were easy. It's getting harder to remember those days.

Ryan stays up with Jude until Jude falls back asleep, his tiny hand curled into Ryan's shirt. Ryan smiles down at his and Jon's son. He looks like a good mix between the two of them, though Ryan tends to think he looks more like Jon. He goes and puts Jude back to sleep before he pads back to his and Jon's shared room.

Jon is still sound asleep, curled on his side with his back facing Ryan. He still remembers when they always slept so close to one another, their limbs tangled. Ryan sighs quietly as he slides back into bed, lying flat on his back, a good gap of space between himself and Jon.

"Is Jude alright?" Jon asks a few seconds later. Ryan wonders if he's been awake all this time.

"He’s fine. Just hungry, I guess. He's sleeping now," Ryan tells Jon, who makes a soft humming noise. They're both awake and Ryan's supposed to be up for work in three hours. It's only now that he realizes just how much he misses the physical contact that he and Jon used to share.

Ryan rolls on his side, one hand dipping under the covers and sliding down Jon's arm, coming to rest around his waist. His hand spreads out over Jon's soft stomach.

"Jon," Ryan whispers.

"Hm?"

"Come closer...or turn over. Yeah, turn over. I want to kiss you," Ryan tells him. Jon makes a soft, confused noise, but Ryan feels him rolling over until they're suddenly face-to-face. "Hi," Ryan says softly as he leans in to press his mouth to Jon's. Jon doesn't respond right away, his mouth soft and slack against Ryan's, but then his mind must play catch-up, because his tongue is sweeping out to catch over Ryan's lips before sliding into his mouth.

Ryan's fingers curl into Jon's t-shirt as he tugs him closer. He can't even remember the last time the two of them have really kissed beyond the soft pecks that are given seconds before one of them rushes out the door. Ryan's missed this – Jon's taste, the weight and heat of his body against Ryan's own. Hell, he's missed _Jon_.

He dips his hand lower, lets it play at the waist of Jon's boxers. Ryan slides his hand down and strokes a long, nimble finger over Jon's rapidly-hardening cock. Jon breaks their kiss.

"Ryan, you have to be to work in, like...three hours," Jon says, sounding slightly worried. Ryan leans up to nip at Jon's mouth.

"I don't really care. I need you."

Jon smiles against Ryan's mouth as he works Jon's boxers down to his knees. Ryan breaks away from Jon so that he can change their positions. Jon lies down on his back and Ryan moves to straddle him. Ryan touches at Jon again, those long fingers curling around Jon's fully-hard cock.

Jon moans into Ryan's mouth, his hands attempting to pull Ryan's boxers off without making him move away from Jon. That isn't possible, though, so Ryan shifts away to get his boxers down. Jon is watching him with those beautiful, brown eyes and Ryan's chest aches with want.

The two of them kiss again, Jon's hands on Ryan's hips as he resumes his position on top of Jon. Before the two of them can get much farther, though, an ear-shattering cry breaks the near-silence in their bedroom. Ryan quickly realizes that it's Jude over the baby monitor.

Jon breaks away instantly. "Shit, I should probably check on him," Jon says. Ryan's eyes widen.

"Babe, come on, we're...we're doing something here," Ryan pants desperately. Jon sighs deeply.

"I know, Ryan. Fuck, you know I want to, but I think Jude's getting sick and that's why he's not sleeping well. I need to check on him," Jon says. pushing Ryan up and off of him so that he can get up from the bed. Jon tugs his boxers back up before he looks back at Ryan. "Just wait, okay? I'll be right back."

"Yeah," Ryan says back dully. He's lying there with a hard-on and no Jon. Ryan lies back against his pillow and waits. He can still hear Jude crying and Jon entering the room, the way Jon comforts their son in a soft voice, with kind words. Jon is a good parent, was made to be one...not like Ryan.

Ryan knows he must've fallen asleep while waiting for Jon, because the next time he wakes up, it's morning and his alarm clock is blaring at him. Jon's not in the bed next to him, either, so Ryan figures that he's probably up with the baby. He drags himself out of bed and moves to the closet, perfectly-pressed white button-up shirts all in a line for Ryan's choosing, courtesy of Jon.

Ryan works at the local newspaper downtown. It's an easy job – it's writing; that will always be easy for Ryan. It's not his dream job, not by a long shot, but it's good enough. Once Ryan's dressed, he goes downstairs. He can hear Jon in the kitchen, can smell the slight sizzle of pancakes being cooked.

"Good morning," Jon says as Ryan enters the kitchen. He's seated next to Jude, spoon-feeding the baby some mashed-up bananas. Jude is happily eating, waving his hands around upon seeing Ryan.

"Good morning, Jude." Ryan smiles, dropping a kiss on the top of Jude's fine hair. The baby babbles a response back to him around a mouthful of banana. Ryan turns to Jon, leaning in to press a quick kiss to Jon's soft mouth. "And good morning to you," he adds.

"Hey," Jon says as Ryan moves to pull away from him. Ryan looks back at him. "I'm sorry that we didn't get to...you know...last night," Jon says softly. Ryan's face goes blank.

"Hey, no, it's okay. I was pretty tired, anyway. I'm sorry I fell asleep," Ryan tells Jon. He steps back up to Jon, wrapping his fingers around his wrist.

"Maybe we can try again tonight? If Jude manages to sleep through the night," Jon suggests, glancing over to their son, who's banging his spoon against the hard, plastic tray of his high chair. Ryan smiles and nods.

"We can definitely try again tonight," Ryan says as he dips back in for another quick kiss.

"I made you breakfast." Jon points toward the kitchen table where there's a plate with two pancakes on it. Next to it, there's a jar of open peanut butter. Ryan frowns. He feels bad – he's never really hungry in the morning and he's already running late, but Jon made him breakfast. "You don’t want it?" Jon questions, his eyebrows pulled together in confusion.

"No, no, I do. Just...I'm already late, Jon..." Ryan tries. Jon's hands drop away from Ryan completely and his face slips into that carefully-schooled blank slate, the one he uses when Ryan has disappointed him.

"Oh, well, no. I get it. There's, um...coffee on the counter in your to-go cup. Your briefcase is by the backdoor," Jon says.

"You didn’t have to do all that. I could've – "

"You’re going to be late if you keep this up," Jon cuts him off. Ryan sighs. He can feel the tight edge of the beginning of an argument, one that might possibly be picked back up when he gets home tonight. Ryan ducks his head for a moment.

"Right," he says before he backs away slowly. He gets his coffee as Jon turns back to feed Jude. Ryan picks up one of the pancakes dry and takes a bite. Jon raises an eyebrow at him. "For the road," he says. There's just maybe the ghost of a smile across Jon's lips. "I love you, boys!" Ryan calls back to Jon and Jude as he heads out the door, picking up his black leather briefcase on the way.

Work is an odd mix of tedious and amusing – tedious, because Ryan's been given the task of writing the horoscopes and he _hates_ having to write the horoscopes. He's only halfway through tomorrow's prediction for Sagittarius before he gives up and calls Spencer.

"Shouldn't you be working?" Spencer asks. Ryan snorts.

"Spence, there's only so long I can make up fortunes before I lose my mind."

"True. What's up?"

"Well, I wanted to ask if maybe you wanted to watch your godson tonight?"

"Sure, Brendon and I love having Jude over. Why? You and Jon going out?"

Ryan sighs. "Not exactly. It's just so that we can have a night alone, you know? So that we can do the thing that parents do when they get a night alone."

"You want me to watch Jude so that you and Jon can fuck?" Spencer asks. He doesn't sound angry; he sounds more amused than anything else. Ryan plays with the cord that's attached to the phone.

"You don't get it, Spence. We haven't...God, it's been so long since we've slept together," Ryan says.

"It's okay, Ryan. Brendon and I will watch Jude so that you and Jon can have your night. Besides, this will give me a chance to show Brendon that we're actually capable of being parents," Spencer says with a laugh.

"You're still trying to get him to agree to start a family?" Ryan asks. He turns his chair from side to side a little.

"Well, yeah, I love Brendon. Besides, you and Jon seem so happy with Jude," Spencer replies.

"Spence, did you not hear me when I said how long it's been since I've had sex? I mean, I love Jude, but it's hard, Spence." There's a silence on the other end of the phone. Ryan can practically see Spencer plotting out his next words.

"How do you mean?"

"I mean, there's never enough time. Jon and I barely talk and, when we do, it's all fighting or just...shit, just words to fill up space." Ryan’s words fly out of him before he can stop them. He's never told Spencer that he and Jon were having problems. Hell, Ryan never even wanted to classify what was going on as problems in their marriage.

"Ryan, are you and Jon...are you two alright?" Spencer sounds worried.

"Yeah, it's...it's alright. Just take Jude tonight, yeah?" Ryan asks.

Ryan leaves a little after five in the evening. There's an edge of excitement crawling under his skin as opposed to the usual tired ache behind his eyes. The prospects of getting to be with Jon, just the two of them tonight, has him driving a little quicker. They don't have to rush and fumble around like inexperienced kids. They can take their time tonight. Ryan can fuck Jon as fast or as slow as he'd like; they can do anything and everything, because they'll have the time. Electricity floods through Ryan's veins at the prospect.

When he gets back home, everything is almost as it was when he had left. There's some baby food on the floor that hasn't been cleaned yet and a few toys lying scattered around, but Ryan could care less about those things. He sets down his briefcase on the kitchen table and enters the living room.

Jon is sitting on the living room floor, Jude lying between his spread legs. He’s laughing, his chubby face curled up in a smile. Ryan can just see the beginnings of his first tooth coming in. Ryan thinks that, when Jude smiles, when he laughs, he really looks like Jon.

The older boy turns his head towards Ryan and he smiles. "Look Jude, Daddy is home," Jon says as he lifts Jude up into his arms. Jude squeals and makes grabby hands at Ryan. He takes his son from Jon and bounces him a little.

"There's my favorite boy!" Ryan smiles at Jude and Jude smiles right back. "Oh, Jon," Ryan starts. Jon meets his gaze as he pulls himself up from the floor. "I called Spencer today."

"Okay, how is he?" Jon asks, brushing his fingers through Ryan's dark hair, which only serves to make Ryan want more.

"He's fine. So fine, in fact, that he offered to take Jude off our hands for the night," Ryan grins. Jon, though, doesn't. "Um, last time I checked, that's good news, Jon," Ryan says softly. He readjusts his hold on Jude, who's currently drooling on the sleeve of Ryan's shirt.

"No, I mean, it is a good thing, but Jude is getting sick and he barely sleeps...I don't really think Spence and Brendon can handle it," Jon says, his dark eyes trained on the floor and his hand cupping the back of Ryan's neck.

"Come on, Spencer is the most responsible friend we have! Besides, he's trying to convince Brendon that them having kids is a good idea. Who better to do that than our own kid?" Ryan asks with a smile. Jon lifts his eyes to meet Ryan's. Ryan holds the smile in place. Jon's fingers are still warm and thick on the back of his neck. They stare into one another's eyes. Ryan wonders if Jon needs this night as much as he does, if Jon knows just how much Ryan needs it.

"Are they coming over to get him?" Jon asks. Ryan nods.

"All I have to do is text Spence."

Jon thinks for a few moments before he smiles. It's easy and real, just like Ryan's always remembered.

"Fine, I'll get his stuff ready," Jon says as he pulls away from Ryan and heads upstairs. Ryan cradles Jude carefully as he fishes out his cell and taps a text to Spencer. Ryan sits on the couch with Jude and plays peek-a-boo with him, because Jude tends to enjoy it and the fit of giggles he breaks down into every time Ryan surprises him is enough to lift Ryan's spirits.

"You must get your demeanor from him," Ryan tells Jude, who reaches for Ryan's hands. "And your terrible sleep schedule from me," he adds. He allows Jude's long (for a baby, anyway) fingers to curl around his own. He babbles happily.

Spencer and Brendon show up. Brendon makes huge eyes at the pile of things that Jon had brought down from the nursery for Jude.

"All of this is necessary?" Brendon asks as he takes his sunglasses off before tucking them into his pocket and flinging himself at Jon, catching him up in a huge hug. Jon laughs and nods.

"Yes, our child rolls in style," Ryan says. Spencer comes over to his best friend and his godson and Ryan doesn’t make him ask before he's standing and allowing Spencer to take Jude from him. Spencer is making big moon eyes at Jude. Ryan really didn't realize how ready Spencer was to have a child.

"Hi, Jude, are you ready to spend the night with your favorite uncles?" Spencer asks. Brendon steps over to Spencer's side.

"Ha, look, he's getting a tooth!" Brendon points out. "He looks more like Jon every time I see him," Brendon adds as he throws a look back at Jon. "Lucky kid."

Jon goes over all the necessary information for taking care of Jude: what he likes to eat, how he hasn't been sleeping well. Brendon shoots worried looks at Spencer, but Ryan trusts that the two of them will do a good job. Spencer used to take care of Ryan, for God’s sake – he can definitely manage Ryan's son.

Ryan and Jon press kisses onto Jude's forehead. Jon looks worried, but Ryan's sure that he can make him forget about it in no time at all. Within a few minutes, Ryan and Jon are alone. They grin at each other from across the room. Ryan saunters over, slides his arms around Jon's neck, and lets his fingers tangle in the back of Jon's dark hair.

"I've missed you," Ryan whispers, his face mere inches from Jon's.

"I’m right here," Jon answers, his warm hands cupping Ryan's hips.

"Yeah," Ryan breathes warmly before he leans in and presses his mouth to Jon's. Just like Ryan wanted, he and Jon take things slow. They make out, Ryan cupping the back of Jon's head as their mouths meet again and again. Ryan gets hard quickly and grinds slowly against Jon's thigh.

They need a bed _now_. They climb up the stairs, Ryan's fingers entwined with Jon's. They make it to bedroom, Jon on his back and Ryan straddling him, attacking his mouth while his fingers skim down to the hem of Jon's t-shirt.

They haven't fucked since Jon had the baby, which was five months ago. They didn't do it much while he was pregnant. Ryan was afraid to hurt the baby and Jon was rarely in the mood. Jon bites at Ryan's lips, pushing warm, rough hands up under Ryan's shirt. Ryan shivers.

"We need to get naked, like, now," Ryan mumbles against Jon's mouth. Jon agrees. Ryan climbs off the bed and sheds his clothes; Jon undoes his jeans and kicks them down and off, his shirt going with it. They're finally naked. Jon's already spreading his legs for Ryan to settle between them.

"I appreciate your eagerness, but we have all night, babe," Ryan whispers against Jon's skin. He kisses his way down Jon's neck, his chest, biting at the soft skin of his stomach, sinking lower to get his mouth on Jon. They continue on that way, Ryan taking Jon in all the way down, Jon's hands sinking into Ryan's hair and holding on.

Ryan's hands hold Jon's thighs apart as he sucks down Jon's length. Jon doesn't last long, can't possibly with how long it's been for the two of them. Afterward, Jon lets Ryan take him. It's slow, Ryan's hard length buried inside of Jon, Jon's thighs squeezing at Ryan's sharp hips, his tanned fingers biting into Ryan's pale back.

They share kisses and Jon pants into Ryan’s mouth, whimpering when he starts getting hard once again. Ryan fucks him deep, tilting his hips and changing his angle so that he can hit Jon's prostate on each thrust. Ryan groans and lets his fingers dig into Jon's hips. This is what he wanted, what he's missed so badly: the physical contact between the two of them, the point where the two of them couldn't be any closer.

Jon comes for the second time before Ryan even comes once. Jon's all liquid limbs, soft and pliant, and he lets Ryan fuck into him. Jon runs thick fingers down Ryan's back, tracing the bumps of his spine and sending sparks through Ryan's skin. Ryan comes, then, with Jon's hand on his back and in his hair, with his whispered words sticking to Ryan's skin. "So good," Jon mumbles.

The two of them fall asleep that way, naked, with Ryan's body pinning Jon's.

Ryan wakes up about two hours later. He could keep sleeping, warm and comfortable with Jon, but it's supposed to be their free night and Ryan wants to spend it awake.

"Jon," Ryan whispers into his ear. "Jon, you should wake up and take a shower with me." Jon makes a soft noise as Ryan trails long fingers across his hip. Slowly, Jon turns over so that the two of them are face-to-face. His brown eyes are warm and he's smiling.

"Tickles," he mumbles as he reaches up and takes Ryan's nimble fingers into his own. Ryan leans down and kisses Jon chastely.

"Come on," Ryan says. "Let's get cleaned up."

There are hand jobs in the shower, which is detrimental to their getting clean, but Ryan can't resist when Jon's all wet skin and dark eyes. After the shower, they go downstairs. Ryan kind of revels in the quiet of their home. They don't get much quiet.

The two of them are seated on the couch together, Ryan pressed all along Jon's side.

"Feels good, doesn't it?" Ryan asks. Jon turns his head to look at him, a slight look of confusion on his face. "Just the two of us. Doesn't it feel nice?" he elaborates. Jon looks at him for a long moment before he turns away, his chin pressed to his chest.

"Are you...are you happy, Ryan?" Jon forces out. Ryan raises an eyebrow.

"Jon...what kind of question is that?"

Jon looks up and their eyes meet. He's worried.

"It's just...you say that a lot, you know? How nice it is when it's just you and I, how much you like it – "

"Because I do like it!" Ryan cuts him off. Jon frowns.

"It makes me feel like you don't like being around Jude," Jon says softly. Ryan's eyes go wide.

"Jonathon, are you serious? How could you even say that?" Ryan begins. He's up off the couch now, standing in front of Jon. "Jude...he's my life! Everything I do is to help him!" Jon's up off the couch now, too, his mouth a tight line.

"You didn’t answer the question, _George_ ," Jon snaps right back. Ryan knows that they’re edging into serious argument territory. It always happens when the first names come out. Ryan pushes a hand through his hair, closing his eyes and breathing deep.

"I'm happy with you," Ryan begins. Jon's mouth opens, so Ryan continues. "And Jude. I'm happy with you two, but if you’re asking me if I'm happy with where I ended up? I'm not. I haven't been happy for a while now," Ryan finishes.

Jon's staring at Ryan with large eyes filled with pain. Ryan can't even look at him right now, because it's killing him.

"You’re not happy in this life? The one we created together?" Jon asks, like he can barely believe it.

"No, I don’t mean it like that," Ryan starts. He leans forward, hand darting out to try and take Jon’s, but he takes a few steps back, away from Ryan's touch. "Jon, please! I only meant that I had to give up so much that it all gets to me sometimes."

"Fuck, Ryan! Do you think you're the only one who gave something up?" Jon shouts. Normally, he wouldn't if Jude were here. "I gave up my place in Chicago! Seeing my parents! My job! I gave up a lot for us, Ryan...for our life."

Ryan scratches at the back of his neck.

"I wanted to play music..." Ryan begins, his voice soft and his eyes focused on the floor. "I wanted to be a writer – a real writer, Jon! I wanted to go places and see things and I wanted to do those things with _you_ , but then we decided to have a baby and we couldn’t do those things anymore. I guess...I guess I didn’t realize all the things I was giving up."

"So what, Ryan? Are you trying to say that Jude and I are nothing but a burden now? That we’re just something holding you back?" Jon's voice is strained and tight. His arms are crossed tight across his chest and his mouth is a deep, deep frown.

"No, Jon!" Ryan says. He stares hard at Jon, pleading internally for him to look up at him, to just look at him and see how he could never think that. "But what if I'm not good enough?"

Jon doesn’t look at him, but he scoffs. "Good enough for what?"

"For being a good father for Jude," Ryan whispers. It's something he never wanted to admit to Jon – or anyone else, for that matter – but it's a fear that resides deep inside of Ryan. If telling him means that it'll help things, though, then Ryan will. "What if I can't be a good dad to him...because of my own childhood? It's – I'm always afraid of that, you know? That I'll be fucking terrible and you'll get sick of it and you'll take him and go..."

Suddenly, there are hands on Ryan's shoulder, strong hands and a firm grip. He tips his head up to meet Jon's eyes. Jon's not smiling, but he's not looking as pissed-off, either. His face is a perfectly blank slate.

"You are not him," Jon begins. One hand moves up to cup the side of Ryan’s neck. He can feel each rough pad of Jon's fingers pressing against his skin. "You're an amazing parent already and I know that you'll only get better as Jude gets older," Jon tells him. Ryan opens his mouth to keep talking, but Jon shakes his head and continues. "And I – I won’t ever leave. I haven't and I won't, so don’t ever think that...you're not your dad and I won't – I won't be like your mom."

Ryan brings his hand to rest on his neck over Jon's. "I know...and I'm sorry. I would – I wouldn't be anything without you and Jude," Ryan whispers, open and vulnerable, his heart still thumping wildly as his body calms down from their fight.

They stand there like that for what could be hours, hands on each other's skin, holding one another close, their foreheads touching. Ryan breathes in deep – it's Jon, all Jon, surrounding him.

The next day, things feel better. Jon and Ryan eat breakfast together and things feel lighter. Spencer calls around noon and asks when they want Jude back. Ryan can hear the baby giggling in the background along with Brendon. By the time Ryan gets home, Jude is back. He and Jon are lying together on the bed upstairs. Jude is asleep and Jon is barely awake, but he smiles when Ryan presses a kiss to his mouth before he slides down onto the bed on Jude's other side, his hand linked with Jon's and their son sleeping soundly between them. Ryan knows that it won't be easy, but he does know that, as long as he has Jon and Jude, things will be alright.


End file.
